--Disclaimer: This story will touch on matters of anxiety and depression that may be a bit intense for some readers.--
Hello there! My name is Alexandra Langley, but you can call me Ally. Welcome back to my Flute Website. More importantly, welcome back to my Flute Blog, "Secrets from a Flutists". This is the place where I will share my flute secrets, musician insights, and fun stories from my life with all of you!
Today I will be talking about my real experiences and feelings that have happened during this pandemic and quarantine. I will open up about my mental health, my spiritual journey, my musical endeavors, and personal lessons that I’ve learned. My intention with this story is to share with everybody that they are not alone with these feelings, especially during these times. I also hope to help others by sharing my struggles and how I’m working through them effectively.
My quarantine began in mid-March when the University of North Texas made the transition to online instruction. It was honestly a very sudden and devastating announcement. However, I understood that it was a necessary move to keep us safe. I ended up moving back home prematurely and have been home ever since. For me, it's been a war of attrition and a game of chance when it comes to my mental/emotional status. This has affected my motivation to get anything done or be productive since this quarantine started, but more so this past couple of weeks after both my recital events. Some days, I have this out-of-the-blue motivation where I say "I’ll do all of my homework right now, record lots of videos for Youtube and Instagram, and it will be fun and I can celebrate with some food from Braums!" (And it is fun, don't worry!). However, other days I have no motivation to do anything. No motivation to get out of bed is just an example. During the large majority of this quarantine, I would have terrible depressive episodes, as I’ve questioned everything about life and felt imprisoned in my own house. I’ve felt extremely down for being only in my house not being able to go to other places. Being scared about what will happen next in my life since my undergrad is finished is tough. Missing all of my friends and not being able to hug others is heartbreaking (as anybody who knows me knows how hard that is for me because Ally Langley is a hugger). Saying goodbye to UNT too soon and not getting a chance to say goodbye to my UNT friends that I love dearly was tough. The belief that this quarantine will never end, wanting to touch my flute at all, constantly hearing the COVID-19 updates… it’s been just awful. Pretty much just stay in bed wishing everything (including my life) would just end because I feel like I'm going nowhere and feeling so unsure. It got so bad that I had to say to the quartet that I needed time for myself because of my state (I told them why and they understood and they're helping me as best as they can).
It's just been two full months of fear, uncertainty, loneliness, and emptiness.
But about a week ago, I had a spiritual encounter with God that I was not expecting at all! I was writing an essay and I had a random piano playlist mix playing in my ears. Then, this worship song that I've never heard before started playing called "Beautiful Jesus". The song basically talked about how God is here with you no matter what happens. How he has his arms wrapped around you so are never alone. How he never grows weary and stays with you until the end. After hearing the song, I just broke down crying. I broke down as those lyrics were something that I needed to hear. And it finally hit me that I can't bear everything on my shoulders on my own. It really felt like God was putting his hand on my heart saying "I am here". It was the most comforting thing to have had as it reminded me that I am not alone in this. This was a turning point for me as I've been very distant from God for the past couple of years and feeling so empty for so long. I can link the song if you want to hear it, as it's very pretty!
Full song-"Beautiful Jesus" by Jonathon and Melissa Helser: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=se4cgYFaVas
Since then, I made it a priority to set four small, yet simple goals. 1) Practice or record one flute thing that makes me happy and intrigues me. 2) Set aside time to pray and sing worship songs and bring God back into my life. 3) Do some type of physical activity, whether it’s going on a walk, following an exercise video, or just dancing in my room to a fun song. 4) Get out of bed and talk to at least one person (whether it's my parents, my brother, my best friend, someone in the quartet, etc.). I’m glad to say that it has been helping! My relationship with God has begun to rebuild again and it brings me peace that someone from Heaven above is never leaving. Doing a little exercise has helped me have more energy during the day to get more done. Talking to loved ones has been helpful as well as I have been able to vent and have a listening ear. It really has been comforting playing flute tunes and repertoire as it has been an emotional release for me. I’ve made lots of videos that I’m very excited about sharing with you soon!
Overall, I've learned the things that I am thankful for, especially during this quarantine. I'm thankful that I have a Youtube Channel and an Instagram account as an outlet to express my musicality and creativity within me (with flute rep and fun tunes). I'm thankful for a family that cares about and loves me. I'm thankful for a quartet where we are all such close friends and more than just colleagues. I'm thankful for my best friend, Chris, who has been my biggest support throughout all of this as we have been through thick and thin. I'm thankful for my flute professor who never gave up on me and helped me grow musically, personally, and helped me bring my recital to life to the magnitude I got it to be. I'm truly thankful for the UNT flute studio for being full of people that share my passion for music and that I can call my friends. I'm thankful that we have the technology to stay in touch with everyone and collaborate for fun music projects. I'm thankful for my church family that bands together during rough times. And of course, I'm thankful for the Lord who still loves me despite all of my flaws and mistakes. I'm thankful that I'm still here and breathing. Yes, I don't know what lies around the corner in my life or in the future. But I've learned to take it one day at a time, be grateful for what I have, and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future. I've learned that I'm going to be okay. And you will be okay too!
This concludes my honest quarantine story. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you learned something new from me about what I’ve done to keep my head above water during this time. Let me know how you are feeling during quarantine and how I could help you at all. I'd love to know! Remember that we are in this together and we will make it through! It will take some time but we will come out of this fire. Please subscribe to my blog to read new secrets from this flutist! I will see you next time!
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